When starting a conversation with me, most people immediately catch that I am not American. Some people get confused by my accent because, after all these years, I don’t have a Brazilian accent anymore. But I definitely have an accent and always (always!) after getting into the “where are you from?” subject, the most asked question I get is “do you miss home?”. Let’s face it, yes, I do miss home. Very much. But even though I miss my family, sometimes we have to choose between what we love and what we want for our life.
It is easy to judge people when you see their social media, full of great pictures enjoying life in the big apple. But the truth is that there is hustle behind those pictures. We all know the struggles we go through to build a career in this city. We get side jobs to make money, we go through paperwork issues, and we start from the bottom.
I, honestly, admire people who come here with their heads above their asses thinking that they will make it in this city and they will not take shit from anyone. It takes guts to do that. Especially as an immigrant in this country. But, unfortunately, these are also the people who I see going back home after a year… they can’t handle, and I don’t even blame them. Anyone who comes to NYC with that attitude needs to have guts, but one thing that can’t go unsaid is that people who come to New York with their tails between their legs and ready to hustle are the ones with real guts to handle this city.
We go through a lot. That is obvious. If you have read all my IMMIGRANT SERIES blog posts, you would know all the bla bla bla about stereotypes and how much we sacrifice to be here. But one thing that I never spoke about it is the fact that, even with all the struggle, I wouldn’t move back to Brazil. I would never choose life in Brazil again. Well, let’s not go with “never” because that might be too strong, but I, honestly, do not see life outside New York City anymore. I don’t live in America because of America, I live here because of New York, the opportunities, the cosmopolitan style, the energy and hustle of this city.
I try being strong for your guys. I try my best to motivate you all, tell you the truth about living in this city, and share all the information I have. I also like to be realistic and share how hard this city can be because, believe me, you are going to get here and find a completely different reality than you could ever imagine. Especially when is about building a career in this city. The truth is that NYC is always a love or hate relationship. You either fall in love with this city and never want to leave, or you hate it. There is no in-between.
After six years and the fact that get along very well with the pace of this city, I can call myself a true New Yorker. Takes some time to get there, but I finally feel like a real New York Girl. Especially when people ask me for information about which subway they should take or where to find certain places in the city - it feels damn good to know all of that on top of my head, I can’t deny it!
I am obsessed with NYC and this lifestyle. I sacrificed a lot to be here. The death of my brother and the fact that I couldn’t be in Brazil with my family came to me as proof of that. I, honestly, didn’t even know how much I could handle until that happened. I constantly have a feeling of emptiness, I feel selfish, an egoist, and, the worse, I feel like there is always something missing inside me, and that is the feeling of closure.
The fact that I couldn’t be at my brother’s funeral literally eats me alive and, for real, I still cry myself to sleep and dream about him a lot. I guess that is normal because I never have that closure, that moment to say goodbye and let him go in peace. These are the feelings that kill me when I wake up in the morning and still feel like I wouldn’t change anything and would never make the choice of going back to Brazil. It sucks to have this feeling, but at the same time helps me to realize that I am choosing the right path. I am going in the direction that I choose in my life and building the career I came to New York to build.
I have to be honest, it takes real guts to admit that. But even with all the struggles, I know that I am doing what my brother would like me to do: staying focus! Not a lot of people can admit that, but let me tell you, this is the reality of this city. It is either love or hate and, if you end up loving it, you have to stick to your decisions. I know that I will be visiting my family soon and that comforts my heart a lot, but even with all the hustle and down moments life in NYC can bring, I wouldn’t choose I different path. Sometimes we just have to deal with our emotions and learn to be okay with them.
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